Come already 2011.

New year, new start, new me.
Remember?

2011 please be good to me.

when next year comes in 23 days things are going to change for me.
I'm going to stop taking crap from people
i'm going to stop being so self concious
i'm going to stop cutting
i'm going to loose all my extra weight
i'm going to feel good about myself
i'm going to be me
i'm going to punch anyone who objects to that
i'm going to ask out that girl
i'm going to have the greatest year anyone could ever want
&&&
its going to be great.

mhm.

Zoe J hates the awkward moment when she realises she has wasted her teenage years on someone who only put her down and made her feel like shit.

i'm cutting again.

i feel like crap and people make me feel insanely invisible,
snm.

Its happening again.

I'm always second best to her and i always will be. No matter how different i try to make myself to her i still seem to be in her overpoweringly large shadow.
Still i feel paranoid but atleast now i get some comfort with DD <3 she is the only person that i can talk to and not feel lie total crap around, she is the nicest, kindest, most caring person I have ever met and i don't think that i will ever find anyone as great as her in my life.
Thank you for being my shoulder D, i feel like no one else wants to be anymore.

Z x

My life is still as crappy as usual (Y)

I have a party tomorrow, i'm getting my hair done how i've wanted it for months now, and yet still I can't help but be in an incurable bad mood. I've tried everything, i just can't get happy and i feel like utter crap all the time, i got my grades today, they didn't help my mood.I get above my target grade but still get told i'm underachieving, where the fuck is the logic in that?
I've tried so hard to be a good student, a good daughter and most of all be good to myself but still whenever no ones around i find myself moping and comfort eating, how can i get out of this fucking rut when it's just so much easier to fall back into old routines?
i've got a feeling that my 'best friend' hates me, she never talks to me anymore and i feel like she is just deliberately avoiding me now, and whenever we do talk i can't tell her anything, i'll confess something that's been killing me on the inside and she'll laugh. She will laugh to my fucking face, she probably does the same behind my back too.
Am i paranoid? possibly. but it can't just be in my head, i'm not fucking crazy, at most i'm borderline depressed. whoopdefuckingdo, someone get me out of here before i do something i will seriously regret.

Z x

Why can't life just be simple?

My mum gets home from work and all she can do is yell. I actually haven't done anything i wasn't supposed to but she still managed to fuck up my mood completely.

I'm such a wreck.

Two years this has been going on, i've been madly in love with you and no one else for two whole years and I don't even think you know I care about as more than just my best friend.

I told someone yesterday, this was the first time I have ever told anyone how I feel and damn it feel's good to get it off of my chest but i know all of the worries, problems and everything that makes us argue and wrecks me up inside will start again soon.

You like her, before her you liked him, I feel like your rock, the one that's just there and I know that without me you'd be fine but i like to kid myself that just like I get, you'd be a wreck without me, it's not true though, really.

Even if we will never be more than friends because I haven't got the guts to say this to your face, hell I can't even name you right now in case you actually realise who you are.

But if you do realise who you are just know that I love you, no, I'm IN love with you.

"School's out for summer...

...School's out forever."

It’s the end of yet another blessed year at Burnham Grammar and shockingly, my life is still what one would refer to as in the shitter. I may be going into year ten now but I can't help but feel like schooling is the least of my problems.

Throughout years seven and eight i built myself a reputation, one that said 'I don't care what you say about me because I can take anything.' simply because I thought I was bad and could take on the world if i wanted but the entire year i have found myself regretting that one.
The boys - naming no names - have been throwing constant insults my way all year at school and then i get home and get the same reception from my brother, his friends and just random people.
Yes, I’m a sixteenth German but that hardly makes me Hitler - one of the many insults thrown at me throughout the year amongst lesbian, man and several others.
I honestly just want to break down and cry but what would that achieve? They would think that they had broken me and then the insults would just worsen.

You see that girl, yeah her.
She seems so invincible right.
But just touch her & she'll wince.
She has secrets & she trusts no one.
She’s the perfect example of betrayal.
Cause everyone she trusted, broke her.

People see that quote everywhere they go and it just seems so relevant.
I do keep secrets from everyone, I spin little lies and i feel betrayed by pretty much everyone i did trust.
Well, I’ve now spilled my failure of a life onto the internet in the hopes that i would feel better for getting it off of my chest, and you know what? I feel exactly the crappy same.
Six weeks of pure brotherly insults.

See you guys again next year if I haven't goddamned killed someone by then, myself or some other.

Zoe.